Thursday, 28 June 2007 2:06:00 pm
I feel very lost.. I seems to lost my direction. I felt that I'm beginning to change and it seems to be for the worse. Exactly the same feeling when I turned bad years ago. . . . . . I don wan to go back to that path..
I'm trying, really trying very very hard to keep myself in track
but I wonder how long I can control myself.
Last time, there was Aunty Jim Buay and Sister Jaclyn to guide me
And lead me back to straight path. Now, I'm all alone..
They are no longer by my side.
Who can I really rely on??
People I can really rely on is leaving me one by one
Problems with husband... Problems with friends...
Problems with work... Problems with mother...
Before Sebastian went to India, guess what I told him???
I actually told him that I want a divorce..
I think I'm speaking without using my brain..
He said to talk about it when he comes back..
He's coming back soon.. 1 more week..
I don know how to start the topic when he comes back.
Schools always say that at the end of the year got no budget
Den will just terminate the contract.
My family depends on all these contract to survive..
Has been helping Sebastian with his own company
While working for others for years..
Sebastian will always say: do this, do that,
Get it done by this date and I got to do all the shit work.
He's a boss and it's right for him to act like one
But he never understand how staffs work, how schools work..
It's easy for him to say but everytime
When I ask him to show me how is it being done,
he will just ask me to try and just leave me there to do everything..
I know myself, I don like to do sale and marketing
Because I can never talk well..
All these are too hard for me but I know for the sake of the family
And the two children, I need to work hard..
Frens are hard to come by,
I know it but it seems that I'm losing all of my frens soon..
I know, I just know.. I don have alot of frens in secondary school back then..
Especially after getting married and had two of them,
it's like I have lost all my frens..
Throughout all these years before I really make some frens
From schools that Sebastian is teaching,
I only talk to my sister, a church fren. That's all.
I can never really talk to Sebastian because he always criticise me..
That's the problem with much older guys,
because they are independent
And they would wan their spouse to be independent too..
Once you are married,
your time is spent on your husband and
Once you have children, your time is spent on your children,
no time to contact friends, different topic to talk about..
They talk about guys, I talk about pampers and milk powders..
So that's how friends leave you one by one..
After all these year, one day in 2007, I stepped into a school,
A school that I dislike but due to $$$,
I got no choice but to secure the contract.
That is the school that I make new friends all over again..
I hide the fact that I was married and had two children
Because I don know how to face the gossips and stares from people..
All were good frens with me and I felt like returning to secondary school days..
Goes out together, eat together, play together,
when there's troubles, they are always there for me..
They seems to know me inside out, food I like, drinks I like, colour I like..
I think even Sebastian don know about all of these. One day, the truth is out...
Truth abt me, married with children.. Still, these frens were still there for me..
I don know how to face some of them at first
But instead of gossiping, they actually help me to take care of the children..
Frens like that are hard to come by but because of a misunderstanding,
my frens are gone, don know whether am I sensitive or wad shit
But I really really cherish each and every one of them..
Mother side with brother and argue with me because of a computer and bicycle..
My sister is going to sabah very soon after her poly.. Get married there..
No one to talk to me about my 心事 anymore..
Is it me or what??? I seems to have problem with everyone..
I really cherish every single one but ...........................................
I don wan to lose anyone.. I'm very very afraid..
I seems to became very sensitive.. sob.. sob..
